The laziest of bats

There are those in this world who will say I'm not really goth for this-reason and that-reason. That's fine, one of the biggest problems in the goth community are the elitist gatekeepers. Well you know what, fuck 'em, they're no fun anyway.

Yeah sure, there are things I like that aren't "goth". My apartment doesn't look like a funeral parlor. I don't always wear all black. Most of my clothes come from Target, H&M, or *gasp* Hot Topic.

But why should any of those things take away from my goth-ness? Don't I still love the macabe, black lipstick, and Siouxsie Sioux?

My whole life I've had an affinity for the "strange and unusual". I remember being absolutely in love with gruesome Halloween decorations as a little girl (thankfully I turned this into an interest in forensics instead of being a serial killer). My childhood heroes were Teen Titan's Raven and Danny Phantom's Sam Manson and of course, Wednesday Addams. Being the dumb small child I was, I didn't even realize I was weird until like, middle school.

I went through the phases I though would make me cool. Emo, scene, back to emo, punk (I don't know if I regret this phase thiugh), and oddly, hipster. But it wasn't until college that I found something that felt like me. And that thing is goth.

I have to say I have an utmost respect and awe for the dark artistry that is trad goth. But fuck, I'm way too lazy for that so half the time I end up looking like an extra from American Horror Story Coven. I'm just glad that this style has kind of become popular, or else I'd stick out like a sore thumb at my local goth club amongst people who are cooler and more stylish than I am.

But when it comes down to it, I'm still sitting at home in a Joy Division t-shirt, drinking black coffee, while research absinthe as the Cure plays. See, sometimes I can be a stereotype.

I'm just hoping my fellow goths can accept that my laziness. I still love bats and Baulderlaire, even if I can't be bothered to do my make up 90% of the time.

It's all about the music and the mindset anyway right?

Growing Up

In creating this blog, I found my old ones from high school and I've been reading through them. As an adult (technically) looking back at those old posts, I'm sad. This one blog was from when I was in my late teens and clearly I'm in so much pain. Most of my friends were really shitty, I was in love with this guy that would never love me back, I was struggling with who I was. I just want to go back in time and give myself a hug.

Sure, I still have depression and bad shit still happens. But looking back, growing up has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. Funny, since I was so afraid of it.

Over the past two years I have made the most amazing friends. Sometimes I get teared up with how much I love those guys. We get along and we talk all the time. It's so nice not to be so frustrated because you feel so left out and unloved. Sure, my friends and I still have some drama, but hell, it's nothing like it used to be. Every other post is about that old friend group. All my life I had trouble making and keeping friends, but now, I'm so happy to have this amazing group of talented, kind, beautiful people to call my close friends.

I also talk about all these boy issues. I was seriously boy crazy but I was also so cringy that everyone had to be an "unrequited love". There was one I was so in love with, and I know he would never love me back. I acted like such a little tragic shit. This was some teenage boy and I cried so hard over him. Weird. I also talk about exes and shit. Like the one boyfriend I had in high school. I really thought he was cool, but towards the end he made me feel uncomfortable. Looking back, he was emotionally manipulative (unintentionally, most likely), and really not good for me. I always wanted a boyfriend and then slowly I've grown to not care. I've had a couple of flings, but nothing that was good or right for me. Until now. Weird how someone you've never met that lives 2000 miles away can make you so happy. Ah, a nevermet, long distance relationship. It's going to be hard, but I'm happy with him. So we'll see. I want it to work out so bad.

Reading these old posts, I can see the beginnings of goth. I claim to be a hipster but if you look close enough you can see my inner bat coming out. It's hilarious. I love it. Girl, in three-five years you're going to be a full grown goth with a good taste in music (not that it was really all that bad at the time, it was actually pretty decent), black lipstick and all that shit. I'm happier like this. I don't care what people think. All the gloom and doom and dark clothing makes me more confident.

Also, I was really fucking dumb. But I guess that's what it's like to be a teenager.

Anyways, it gets better.